The Winter Dance
by Red Chocobo
Summary: This is really just a stupid fic centering on Rinoa and Quistis' rivalry with Squall (dun give me that sisterly love crap!). Insane "humor". R


The Winter Dance  
  
Comments: Ten points for you if you can name what all the NPCs say. This fic will be more enjoyable for you if you just wander aimlessly around Garden and Dollet.  
  
Additional Comments: Aaaah, sorry about the previous version where it had HTML all over the place. ^^;;;;;  
----  
  
[The fic begins in Quistis' classroom. Quistis is discussing important Balamb Garden issues. Apparently, nobody's listening, with the exception of the Trepies.]  
  
Quistis: ... And last night, our janitor, Odin discovered that Balamb Garden actually has a bathroom. No longer will you have to seek refugee in the Training Grounds and get attacked from behind when you're relieving yourself! It shall be up and running in a few days. Along with the bathroom, Odin also found a lost puppy.   
  
Trepie #2: Whoo-hoo! Go Instructor Trepe! You make things sooo interesting!  
  
Quistis: Err ... anybody who owns the animal can visit it in the Training Grounds, where it is being kept for the time being, and claim it. It seems to be foaming at the mouth and frequently crapping shit all over the place.  
  
Trepie #3: Aaah! Such sweet words, said by the equally sweet Instructor Trepe!  
  
Squall: ... Did you just curse?  
  
Quistis: *shrug* Nobody's listening.  
  
Squall: ... whatever.  
  
Trepies: *GLARES at Squall*  
  
Quistis: *hears footsteps in the hall* Oh, right. Before I forget, I'd also like to note that we have a new student gracing our halls in Balamb. I know it's odd to have new students in at this time of year, but her insistence was great. I hope you all treat her well. Aaah, here she comes now ...  
  
Rinoa: *skips in the classroom* Helloooo everybo-- *stares at Quistis*  
  
Quistis, Rinoa (in unison, to each other): YOU!  
  
Rinoa: YOU'RE my teacher?! EeeEeeeEeewww! Now I'm not only going to flunk, I'm going to be flunked by a BLONDE! Ewwwwwwwwies!  
  
Trepies: Well ... so's yo mama!  
  
Quistis: WHAT?! You?! You're the new student?! How did YOU get into such a priviledged school? Oh wait, now I remember, your father's a rich military general. Hmph.   
  
Rinoa: Not TRUE! I'm not a daddy's girl! And I have the nauseating flashback to prove it!  
  
Everybody: *groans*  
  
flashback  
  
[The flashback begins in the headmaster's office. Xu is stationed in front of Ramuh's desk, carrying urgent news.]  
  
Xu: Umm, Headmaster Ramuh, sir ....  
  
Ramuh: *sigh* What is it NOW, filthy little SeeD? First you little human brats run out of .. what's that stupid thing called ... FOOD and OXYGEN, and NOW what?  
  
Xu: ... T-there is a new student in Balamb.  
  
Ramuh: So? Can't you shoot her yourself?  
  
Xu: I-I don't mean to contradict you when you say that humans and children make "dumb-assed rules", but every new student in any Garden must be greeted by the headmaster in large groups or individually. However, because student applications are scarce and she seems to be the only one who wants to enroll in Balamb .. *mumbles quietly* ... Maybe because YOU'RE the god-forbidden HEADMASTER ...  
  
Ramuh: Silly little human, I heard that.  
  
Xu: *stands up-right, pales* ... B-because, um, they all aren't WORTHY to enroll in your school, knowing that they'll fail even worser than they failed in the game of life.  
  
Ramuh: Newbie.  
  
Xu: *cracks* I'm not a newbie! I've been practicing the art of a suck-up for years! How else do you think I got into SeeD?!  
  
Ramuh: Oh, okay, then I guess you just suck at it. Remind me to attach the Disciplinary Committee leader to your head for a week while he continues to sort out his burleasque house showgirls' bras.   
  
Xu: Y-yessir. *falls silent, fidgets nervously*  
  
Ramuh: *glares* Continue. Unless you want to defy a veteran spanker again.  
  
Xu: *stares, gulps* ... It would seem you would have to meet her and her parent individually.  
  
Ramuh: Bah, I have to meet a GROWN human TOO?!?   
  
Xu: Sir, the new student's father is the richest man in the region of Deling City. He holds all the non-Garden military strategies and executions. He might possibly be the most powerful man on our neighbor continent! And ... *manages to hold a giggle and a swoon* ... he's got chiseled looks.  
  
Ramuh: *bemused look* I thought Hitler died.  
  
Xu: ... His name is General Caraway, sir. He and his daughter will arrive for their evaluation a week from now.  
  
Ramuh: No no no, that's what his swingin' wife used to call him in bed ... she tried to hit on me once, y'know! *rises into the air, floats around, paces* I don't know why Hitler's skeezin' woman farted out a punk, but if he's coming here next WEEK ... damn, what'll I WEAR?   
  
Xu: What you always wear, sir?  
  
Ramuh: HOW DARE YOU MAKE THAT SUGGESTION! HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU .... SAY THE CORRECT THING! HOW DARE YOU!  
  
Xu: You're welcome, sir.  
  
Ramuh: I don't need YOUR welcome. Hmph. *snorts* ... Back to the matter with Hitler. A lot of preparations need to be made for his welcoming.   
  
Xu: *takes out a notepad and a pencil* Sir?  
  
Ramuh: NO! Half-assed jobs are not worthy for Hitler! ... But since you brats can't really do anything with your full ass either, I guess it doesn't matter. So get that writing doo-dad out of your rear end and ready. Only three simple things should be executed for his welcome to be adequate. ONE! Shoot all the Jewish!  
  
Xu: *jots that down on the paper*  
  
Ramuh: TWO! Shoot all the Christians!  
  
Xu: *scribbles furiously*  
  
Ramuh: THREE! Shoot whatever the hell's left!   
  
Xu: ....  
  
[The scene changes to the Balamb Training Grounds. Rinoa and Squall are skipping merrily through the artificial jungle, admiring the scenary and the corpses as they go.]  
  
Rinoa: Squall, isn't it wonderful? *sighs passionately*   
  
Squall: No, the scenary is frightening.  
  
Rinoa: I'm talking about my HAIR, Squall! *scoffs* And of COURSE the scenary's frightening, it's a TRAINING GROUND! I can't BELIEVE that fascist father of mine's making me come to this school.  
  
Squall: ... whatever.   
  
Rinoa: I mean, the only thing that's GOOD about this school is the title of the winter dance king and queen! But eventually, those serfs'll RUIN us all. Those are REAL wieners that they serve in the hot dogs, Squall! I have to be subjected to a peasant's life, Squall! No more parties, no more rebellious strikes against Galbadia ... no more baby showers for Angelo! Ohh! *glomps onto Squall's arm*  
  
Squall: Isn't Angelo a male?  
  
Rinoa: Shut up, I'm busy glomping!  
  
Squall: *glimpses at the carcass of a girl bathed in blood, begins to picture Rinoa's face on the corpse as he passes by it* Heh heh heh ...  
  
Rinoa: *scowls* *glances at the corpse, then at Squall, then at the corpse, then at Squall* Honey, are you having an affair with that woman?  
  
Squall: ... whee-ever. *slight smirk*  
  
[A week has expired since the meeting of Ramuh and Xu. General Caraway and Rinoa are stationed in Ramuh's office, prepared for Rinoa's inspection. However, nobody is there.]  
  
Rinoa: *glares at her father* Is this a joke?!  
  
Caraway: Do you find it insulting? If you do, then yes, it is. Although ... nothing could ever top the time when you were going to marry your mime boyfriend and nobody showed up ... hee-heeee ...  
  
Rinoa: *stare* Y-you son of a .. !   
  
Caraway: Now Rinoa ... I've been your father for seventeen years. And during that period of time, you should have learned that I'm a bad person! So it's not my fault that you're ignorant!  
  
Rinoa: But it IS your fault that Angelo ran away with your Nazi plate!   
  
Caraway: It's YOUR fault! You didn't take him in for shots! He was rabid! Foaming at the mouth!   
  
Rinoa: It was toooothpaste! Dogs need to brush their teeth!  
  
Caraway: Then why don't you?!  
  
Rinoa: Because you used my toothbrush to clean half the Deling sewers!  
  
Caraway: That was YOU! YOU'RE the rebel who needs the punishment!  
  
Rinoa: And you're doing it by sending me HERE! So it was YOU! Bad, snobbish fathers who're too rich for their own good need punishment too, and NOT the dominatrix kind that you prefer!  
  
Caraway: Without ME, you wouldn't even be alive!  
  
Rinoa: That would have been good for Mom! I can't BELIEVE a starlet had SEX with your slimy self to make me!  
  
Ramuh: *appears out of nowhere, claps loudly* Bravo, bravo! Humans unleashing their quick tongues on each other! I like that!  
  
Xu: *walks in* Hello, Ms. Heartilly. *glances at Caraway, glassy-eyed* Hello, General.  
  
Caraway, Rinoa: *stops their squabbling, turns heads slowly towards Ramuh and Xu*  
  
Rinoa: Daddy, I'm scared.  
  
Caraway: I'm not Squall, honey.  
  
Ramuh: Now ... welcome to MY--  
  
Xu: --OUR ...  
  
Ramuh: ... Humble academy. We would like to note that there's not a Jewish human in sight. It's a pleasure to make your acqaintence once again.   
  
Caraway: Again ... ? Do I know you?  
  
Xu: No, General. Unless you've met him on one of your GLORIOUS adventures ...  
  
Ramuh: *hisses* Oh SURE! Whippersnappers these days! Always rootin' for that dumb Indian BIRD! Thunderbird? PAH! Does it cook itself for Thanksgiving for those little punks?! HUH?! WELL, XU?!  
  
Xu: ... Umm .. no, sir?  
  
Ramuh: *glares at Rinoa* Do YOU know?  
  
Rinoa: I'm a vegetarian.  
  
Caraway (quickly): Forgive my daughter, she's a hippie.   
  
Rinoa: *scowls*  
  
Caraway: I believe that a military academy will block her sickeningly heart-warming spirit from the world. I've had to endure it for seventeen years, and look what's happened to me. I just don't want to see other people get hurt by her repulsive personality.  
  
Xu: Well said, General!  
  
Ramuh: *GLARE* You ... don't want to see other people get HURT? *nostrils flare* You're not HITLER! IMPOSTER!!  
  
Caraway: *confused look, arches eyebrows* *shrugs, then faces Rinoa* Now you be a good little girl for the Garden, hokay? Now don't you make another mistake with the SeeDs, 'cuz that abortion money's growin' thin, 'kaysies?  
  
Rinoa: MEANIE!!! *sneers*  
  
Caraway (patronizing tone): That's a good little girl. *pets Rinoa, then promptly withdraws hand in fear of her biting it off* *condescending grin*  
  
Ramuh: Wait wait wait ... *scratches chin* You ... I know YOU ... *points staff at Caraway* You're the guy who wants to screw Ifrit!  
  
Rinoa, Xu: *howls with laughter*  
  
Ramuh: I WILL NOT LET THE OFFSPRING OF A MAN WHO WANTS TO SCREW IFRIT IN BALAMB!  
  
Caraway: You can't prove that! You can't prove that!  
  
Ramuh: Then why, pray tell, did you trade your daughter's card for Ifrit's?  
  
Rinoa: *stops laughing* HUH?! *glares at Caraway* You traded me for a smelly, hairy, UGLY fire beast?!  
  
Caraway: I have a perfect explanation for that. I'd rather have a summoned monster than a spoiled little brat. They're much better than children overall. Better than humans, actually. That's why we have to depend on them so much.  
  
Ramuh: *smirks* See, Xu. THIS is the perfect use of sucking up. You should follow his example.  
  
Xu: *grumble grumble*  
  
Ramuh (to Caraway): Human, let's have a talk, hm? Xu, insignificant brat girl, leave the room.  
  
Rinoa: Ex-cu-use me?!  
  
Xu: Sure, I can do that. *grabs onto Rinoa by the ear and trudges out the room*  
  
[Outside the office]  
  
Rinoa: Why'd you do THAT?!  
  
Xu: You don't want to see the Headmaster mad. It involves several things. Mainly lightning, thunder clashes, Pikachus dressed as the split personality of a retired wrestler ... you know, scary things.  
  
Rinoa: We have scary things in our house too when Daddy gets mad. He gets laid.  
  
Xu: By Ifrit?  
  
Rinoa: Quite possibly. ... *for the first time, notices the furry, lightly teal-colored object atop Xu's head* That's a weird hat.  
  
Xu: It's not a--  
  
Hat: *squeaks* Heya! *hops onto Rinoa's chest and takes out a pack of cards* Wanna play Three Card Monte? You win, you become my newest stripper! You lose, you become my newest stripper! See? Win-win situation!  
  
Rinoa: Eek! Get it off! Get it off! Cooties! Ewwww!  
  
Xu: His name is Carbuncle. It's best if you just try to ignore him.  
  
Rinoa: How can I when it's clinging to my shirt?! Get AWAY! *slaps at Carbuncle*  
  
Xu (to Carbuncle): Get back on my head before anyone sees you.   
  
Carbuncle: But she hasn't even spun around a pole yet! I can find a tetherball court somewhere for her to practiiiiice ... *faces Rinoa* I wanna show you a magical place! *a hole produces near him and he hops in*  
  
Xu: NO! No no no! You get back here! You're not even doing your Disciplinary Committee duties! *grabs into Carbuncle's tail, tries to pull him out of the void, but simply ends up falling in herself* Eeeeek! *echo, echo, echo*  
  
Rajin (from deep inside the hole): Not another one, ya know?!  
  
Joker: *runs up to the closing hole, gasping for air* ... Dammit ... *runs back*  
  
Rinoa: *glances into the hole and whimpers* I DON'T LIKE THIS PLACE!   
  
Caraway: *opens door* That's exactly why you're going to be staying at Garden for a looooooong time. Heh heh heh ...  
  
Ramuh: Welcome to Balamb Garden, Rinoa Heartilly. I hope you have a miserable time.   
  
/flashback  
  
Rinoa: And THAT, Ms. TREPE, is my story. *peers around the room; some of the students are asleep, some of them seem dead*  
  
Trepie #1: That proves even more that you're a rich little daddy's girl!  
  
Quistis: *muddled look* Why was that first bit in there when you weren't even there?  
  
Rinoa: *waggles finger* Ho ho! Quisty, I think your brain cells are disappearing, that's what happens when you start to become an old cronie!  
  
Trepie #2: *gasps* Lemme at her! Lemme at her!   
  
Squall (flatly): Who's stopping you?  
  
Rinoa: Squally-poo! Are you taking THEIR side?  
  
Squall: ... what--  
  
Quistis: --ever. *hearty chuckle*  
  
Squall: ... *trudges towards the door*  
  
Quistis, Rinoa: Honey, where are you going?  
  
Squall: ... My Prozac wore out. *closes door*  
  
[Setting: Balamb Basement. The CC Club are lolling around the area. Some are stationed atop NORG's weird ... pod ... podium ... thingie ... while others are playing Triple Triad with each other with sordid rules and that weird-arse music. Quistis, however, is stationed in the middle, pouring her heart out to Joker.]  
  
Quistis: That spoilied brat, she's keeping Squall on a tight leash! She's got him whipped, like they're MARRIED or something!   
  
Joker: ... They kinda are. But nobody showed up to their wedding.  
  
Quistis: Really? I didn't know that ...   
  
Joker: Nobody does.   
  
Quistis: Then how do you know? You have no relationship with General Caraway ...  
  
Joker: I planned it all in exchange for something. Heh heh, how do you think I got THESE? *flips out some cards with a plastic protecter on it, tosses it to Quistis ala X-Men's Gambit*  
  
Quistis: *catches them, glances at them* ... What are they?  
  
[The camera zooms in. The deck of cards seem to be Clow Cards.]  
  
Joker: Magical, all-powerful naked women pop out of them when I summon them.   
  
Quistis: Ewwww! *tosses them on the ground* ... Wait, wait ... so they're like GFs?  
  
Joker: Uh-huh. Stronger than them, actually. They can almost do anything. *clears throat, throws voice in the other CC Club members' direction loudly* They're very RARE cards, they are. Very EFFECTIVE too.  
  
Jack (eerily): *pops up from behind, slowly throws his arm around Joker's shoulder* Heeeeey buddie ...   
  
Club: Back off, varlet! *elbows Jack away* Hey! Joker! How ya doin', pal?  
  
Joker: ....  
  
Diamond Princess 1: Like, don't TOUCH him! You're like ...  
  
Diamond Princess 2: ... such a LOSER! And your ...  
  
Diamond Princess 1: .. Fashion sense?   
  
Diamond Princess 1, 2: UGH!  
  
Spade: Hey, valley-girls! Get your two-dollar siamese racks out of Joker's way! His eyesight's clouded by the airheadedness you're emitting!  
  
Quistis: Err ...  
  
Diamond Princess 1, 2: Like, loser! *makes an L shape with thumb and forefinger* Loner! *makes another L shape with other hand* Whatever! *makes a W, places it on their forehead, sticks out tongue*  
  
Jack: Gyaaaaaaah! *tackles Spade*  
  
Spade: In the name of Xu, I will PUNISH you! *slashes at Jack with a Mezmerize card*  
  
Diamond Princess 1: *sits on Joker's lap* Like, HI!  
  
Diamond Princess 2: *pushes Diamond Princess 1 over with her butt, bounces up on Joker's lap* Yeah, like, hi! My name's like ... like ... wait, I know this one ...  
  
Diamond Princess 1: No you don't! *lunges at Diamond Princess 2*  
  
Diamond Princess 2: You like, SLUT!  
  
Diamond Princess 1, 2: *gets into a bitch-fight (now if only Rinoa and Quistis were included, it'd be complete ;)*  
  
Club: *stares around at the mayhem* S-s-should I get help?  
  
Joker: ...  
  
Club: ... Umm, okay. *fidgets for a while* ... Then what do I do?  
  
Quistis: Bang yourself in the head repeatedly.   
  
Club: *excited look* YEAH! *runs into a wall*  
  
Quistis: *sits there and contemplates while everybody brawls* (Now if those magic cards can do just about everything, MAYBE they can lure Squall away from the jaws of that ... female Richie Rich and into my secure, sisterly arms. Yes yes yes, she'll be FUMING if we're crowned the king and queen of that dance ... hmmm ...)   
  
Joker: I have a card that can keep him away from her in exchange for something.   
  
Quistis: H-how did you .. ?  
  
Joker: *morbid glance* Yes, you all underestimate me. ... I'm just the dork who sells items in the Training Grounds. The one with the blue worm as a card. The enigma, the anti-social, the black sheep. Or AM I?  
  
Quistis: Actually, yes. You are ... now what is my payment?  
  
Joker (darkly): YOUR SOUL. HEH HEH HEH ...   
  
Quistis: I beg your pardon?  
  
Joker (drawls): Nevermind. I'll just sell my own soul to myself ... or to my non-existent friends ...   
  
Spade: *grabs onto Joker's arm* I'm your frieeeeeeend! Come, sell your soul to me! Or maybe even a RARE ODDITY? Hmmmm? Those cards look mighty rare and odd--  
  
Jack: Graaaaah! Cheater! *grabs onto Spade's legs, drags him back to the carnage*  
  
Quistis: How about a groupie? I'm ready to spare one of my Trepies.  
  
Joker: ....  
  
Quistis: A-admission to SeeD?  
  
Joker: ....  
  
Quistis (worried look): Odin's mop? Odin's horse? Odin's tower? ODIN HIMSELF?  
  
Joker: ....  
  
Quistis: What ARE you?! Squall?! No, you can't be, Rosemarie's Baby isn't dragging you around for show-and-tell! *shakes Joker desperately* What do you want?!   
  
Joker: To go ... down there.  
  
Quistis: ... You want to go to Hell? *concerned look* Umm ... well, if it means anything, you'll be there eventually. And you'll meet Linda Blai-- Rinoa there as well.  
  
Joker: No. Down ... THERE.   
  
Quistis: Diablo's lamp? You want to be rubbed the right way?  
  
Joker: No ... Carbuncle's hole. .... *pauses* That doesn't sound right.  
  
Quistis: *stiffens* Umm, Joker. A-are you sure you want to ... well, that place is very, um, well ... it's not moral, that's all. And not very sober either ... b-b-besides, I-I don't think h-humans are allowed to .. I don't even think t-they s-should ...   
  
Joker: Sober, drunk. They're both a minor glitch. ... You DO want the cards, right?  
  
Quistis: *sigh* I'll see what I can do.  
  
Joker: ... Oh whee. *takes out three cards from the deck and hands them to Quistis*  
  
Quistis: Wonderful. *glances at the cards* ... What's the--  
  
Joker: It's useful. *quietly* For me. *faces the other CC Club members, who are still brawling with each other* I will sell some of these cards on eBay. Anybody with gil or breasts can bid.   
  
Jack: YES!  
  
Club: *glances at Jack, arches eyebrows* Well, we all know you're broke and you'll always BE broke, so--  
  
Jack: *goes stiff*  
  
[Setting: Training Grounds. Rinoa and Squall are once again strolling through the grounds, and completely ignoring what the other is saying.]  
  
Rinoa: So Squaaall, the dance is coming up soon. Now Daddy thinks I'm a picky spoiled brat, but he's an idiot, so I don't have to prove him wrong. Now you know the corsage I was talking about? It should be white, like my dress. .. Oh no wait, that's not gonna match. Pink, then.  
  
Squall: ....  
  
Rinoa: Oh, oh, and they should have those little pollon thingies, and like ... and when you put it on, don't you DARE try to grab some! Okaaay?  
  
Squall: I don't think--  
  
Rinoa: Of course you don't think. Okay, like, I know. That waltz you did in the SeeD party was ATROCIOUS. But after all those dance lessons that I gave you, you should at least make it through the first waltz. Squall, recite the dance lessons, please.  
  
Squall (flatly): You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you do the Hokey-Pokey and you wave it all about ...  
  
Rinoa: NO NO NO! You SHAKE it all about! *sighs* Squaaaall ... what ever will I do with you?  
  
Squall: *shrugs* *seems to be concentrating* (You put some Gore votes in, you pull the Bush votes out, you put some Gore votes in, and you do another count ... )  
  
Rinoa: Squall, why are you humming the Hokey Pokey?  
  
Squall's Mind: Oh no, she's looking at me again. Hmm, gotta think. Good excuse. Good excuse. Need a good excuse. ... You do the Hokey-Pokey and you make lots of dou-- dammit! ... Oh no, she's staring at me. God, I think too much. Maybe I should ... you put your heaaad in, you put your heaaaa-- I'm doing it again.  
  
Squall: I don't want to forget your lessons.  
  
Rinoa: Awwww! *rests head on Squall's shoulders*  
  
Squall: *continues humming it over and over again while thinking*  
  
Squall's Mind: Ooooh, I'm good. I'm good. I'm so good. Better than what Seifer could ever be. I wonder where he is now. Is he dead? What did my rival do after his service with the sorceress ... speaking of the sorceress, why is Rinoa so good in bed? Her sorceress skills? Can men become sorceresses ... Of course not, they become wizards. Speaking of wizards, what's up with that Harry Potter book ...  
  
[And he kept going ... and going ... and going ... cue the Energizer bunny.]  
  
Rinoa: Squall, stop humming that song.  
  
Squall: ... whatever.   
  
Rinoa: *sighs, then looks out into the distance and spots an animal walking around in circles* Hey, I think I see something. *point point* Look! What do you think that looks like?   
  
Squall: Your finger.  
  
Rinoa: No, not that! It's Angelo! *grabs Squall and runs toward the animal* ANGELO! Ohhh, I missed you!  
  
Angelo: *foaming at the mouth, incessant growling*  
  
Rinoa: Awww, isn't he cuuuuute? Pet him, Squally!  
  
Squally: ... I think it's ra--  
  
Rinoa: *more slowly* Pet ... him ... Squally.  
  
Squall's Mind: Gotta think, gotta think ... excuse, excuse .. you know, that would make a nice song. ... Why do I get side-tracked so much. This is probably the reason why I have insomnia. And why my head hurts when I actually get to sleep. Maybe I should take some aspirin, or maybe I should just stop thinking altogether and-- I'm doing it again. What was I supposed to think of before I thought too much? Umm ... how can I? I'm thinking too much, I forgot. Oh dear.   
  
Rinoa: SQUALL! Stop humming that stupid song! *glance* Oh look, Angelo's doing something! Look, Squally!  
  
Angelo: *walks up to Squall, lifts his leg*  
  
Squall: ...  
  
Rinoa: Awwwwww! He's just ADORABLE!  
  
[Setting: Instructor Trepe's classroom, after class. Selphie and the Balamb Garden Festival Committee are stationed near the stage, each planning out very essential plans for the upcoming ball.]  
  
Selphie: Should I wear the yellow dress ... *holds a dress with a revealing slit in it* ... or the blue dress ... *holds up a very tight dress*  
  
Irvine: Hmmm ... *rubs chin* I dunno, Sefie. I have to see you IN 'em. Both of 'em at once.  
  
Selphie: Ooooh ... O_o;;; That's not gonna be easy. Unless Dr. Kadowaki has a degree in mad scientistin', I don't think that's gonna be possible, Irvy. After all, nobody's spay-shal enough to take over me!  
  
Irvine: Well, she certainly LOOKS like a mad scientist. Hmm ... *grabs a nearby student* Heya, sweetheart! We need you to wear THIS ... *grabs the blue dress and hands it to the student*   
  
Pig-Tailed Girl: Oh! I'm an expert at modeling.   
  
Selphie (menacingly): Are you sure you're not an expert and whorin'?  
  
Pig-Tailed Girl: ... E-excuse me?!  
  
Selphie: Oooh, nothing. *looks away and whistles*  
  
Irvine: Now, now, ladies. No catfights. *ushers the pig-tailed girl* Now why dun you just go back to your dorm, and come right back out. Thank you for your time now. *pats the student on the arse with a big silly grin on his face*  
  
Odin (coyly): *walks by with a mop* Oooh! Irvine's GETTIN' so-ooo-ome! Got a date with the DE-VIL! Went CA-RAZY! Ended up in HEA-VEN!   
  
Diablo (distantly): I heard that! Are you spreading rumors about me again?!  
  
Selphie: *scratches head in bemusement* How can you go on a date with the devil and end up in heaven?  
  
Odin: *shrug* Dunno. I heard a stinky human say it one day. You learn a lot from spiky-haired punks. Would you like to hear me sing "Big Pimpin'"?   
  
Irvine: *backs away* Say, janitor, d-don't you have some moppin' up to do?  
  
Odin: Grr ... *takes out his spear/mop combination, and continues to glide through the area*  
  
Selphie: Now back to work. Irvy, while we wait for the she-bastard to dress up, why don't we make some more decisions? We still have a lot of work to do. Like... who's the decorator, what type of music will we bring, the food and pretty gassy bubbly beverages ... and most importantly, how we're gonna organize the king and queen of the dance!  
  
Irvine: Sefie, I got it all covered like flies on a corpse from Grave of Fireflies. I booked this band from Timber here. They're called the ... Forest Owls? Sum'thin' bout "celebrating the princess' departure". Dunno, they talk in code all the time, those rebelling Timberians ...  
  
Selphie: Right on! *throws arms in air* Power to the people! Fight the system!  
  
Irvine: For the decorator, I got this guy from Dollet to, y'know, clean up some things. He's at the quad right now, giving the stage and the building a fresh new coat of paint. *gestures outside the window*  
  
[Outside the window, an old man is carefully painting a large mural on the Balamb building. His grandson is carefully painting a large mural on his dog's face.]  
  
Irvine: And as for the food, I pulled a few strings with this rich Dollet woman so she could, erm, donate us some food.  
  
Selphie: Whoo-hoo! Irvy, you're so smart!  
  
Odin: *glides by* Of course, this arises new problems, such as the payment for all these things ... Like what'd you have ta DO-OOO to get that little WE-ENCH to PA-AAY yoooou ...  
  
Irvine: *scrunches up face* Stop talkin' like that!   
  
Odin: Hmph. *glides away*  
  
Selphie: Wooow, what a party-pooper. ... Umm, Irvy. What are we gonna do about the king and queen of the dance?  
  
Irvine: Simple. The computer does the remainder of our work.   
  
Selphie: Oooh! *claps hands together* Great idea, Irvy! Garden recently got the new model. *jumps into seat, punches some random buttons and keys incessantly*  
  
Irvine: Uh, Sefie, what're you doin'?  
  
Selphie: ... I don't know! *toothy grin*   
  
Irvine: .... *nods and smiles* (Where's that girl in the blue dress?)  
  
[Meanwhile ... ]  
  
Library Committee Member: Hey, Zell! Come look at this!  
  
Zell: *shadow-boxing* What is it? Dude, you KNOW I dun go into libraries. Gives me the heeby-jeebies, all those edu-mackational books.  
  
Lbrary Committee Member: Well, you should look at this. It's , uhh ... ummm ... a three-foot hot dog!  
  
Zell: *stops, WIDE smile* YEAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! *rushes into the library, stops in his tracks* Yeahyeahyeah, where's the hot dog? Where's the HOT DOG?  
  
Pig-Tailed Girl: *is wearing a tight blue dress* ... Umm, in your pants? ... And it's showing some wood?  
  
Zell: *STARE* ... ....  
  
Diablo: *slaps Zell on the back* I know how ya feel.  
  
Carbuncle: *pops out of the hole and hands Zell a slip, squeaks adorably*  
  
Xu (from the hole): Don't let his repulsively cute appearance fool you! He's EVIL! And he's stalking all of you! Be paranoid, people, I have to put that diseased thing on my head when he's not invading your privacy!  
  
Rajin: Yeah! And he cheats at roulette, ya know?  
  
Zell: @#%#$^$%! I didn't do nuthin'!  
  
Rajin: Speeding. It's a horrible thang, ya know? A terrible waste of a mind, ya know?  
  
Carbuncle: *squeaks at the pig-tailed girl* And YOU'RE not wearing enough. You'll have to be disciplined severely. C'mere you! *bounces up and down, pulls pig-tailed girl into the hole*  
  
Pig-Tailed Girl: Eeeeeeeeek!   
  
Joker: *suddenly rushes in* Wait! Wait! Take me with you! *the hole disappears as he dives onto the floor*  
  
Diablo (airily): *glances at Joker* Would you like to be my genie in a bottle?  
  
Joker: *writhes on the floor, backs away in fear*  
  
Xu (from nowhere in particular): Another day, another hooker ...  
  
Rajin (from nowhere in particular): ... WHOO-HOO, YA KNOW?!  
  
[Anyway. Back to Selphie and Irvine.]  
  
Selphie: I think my website needs a new layout, dun cha think, Irvy?   
  
Irvine: I think it needs new content. (Man with a machine gun ... I'M the man with the machine gun. The ULTIMATE machine gun ... women have chipped TEETH with THIS machine gun ...)  
  
Selphie: Weally? You too? Well, I've tried planting video cameras in Sir Laguna's shower, but he's never home. I wonder what happened to him?  
  
[Meanwhile, somewhere far far away in Esthar ... ]  
  
Kiros: Y'know, when Laguna said that he'd found the perfect place to evade all militia and duties as Estharian officials and role models, I thought he was talking about some place more ... well, refined.  
  
Ward: ....  
  
Kiros: First, it was that basketball game in Trabia. Mach Chocobos Vs ... Horny Moombas or something of that sort. Then it was that Hooters place where all the women were replaced with chickens ... and now ... well, I'm getting worried about him, aren't you?  
  
Ward: ....  
  
Kiros: Maybe some sort of obsession ... but what could have caused this obsession? Julia has never been associated with them, nor has Raine, nor Ellone ... wait .. one time we used them ... do you think WE caused this catastrophe?  
  
Ward (shrewdly): ....  
  
Kiros: Well said, my friend.  
  
Laguna: Come ON, Red! Numba 7! Lucky number! C'MON!! NO! NO! Awwwwwww! Nooooo! *face-faults* Damn yooou, Red Chocoboooo!  
  
Kiros: .... The chocobo race track was a very bad place to go.   
  
Ward: *nod* ....  
  
[I suppose you're all saying what Laguna's saying after reading through this fic so far. Oh well. Back to Selphie and Irvine ...]  
  
Selphie: *looks at her nails* And I need a pedicure ... ;__;  
  
Irvine: Awww, c'mon Selphie. You're a beaut. ... Now what the dang are we gonna do about the king and queen?   
  
Rinoa: *rushes in* King and queen .. KING AND QUEEN ... did you just say "KING AND QUEEN"? The title? Not the actual king or queen? The KING and QUEEN ... ?  
  
Selphie: No, I said that I needed a pedicure. ^_~  
  
Irvine: That's right, hun! King and queen. Got any requests? Nominations? Do tell.  
  
Rinoa: Hmm, by any chance is there a way that maybe ... *innocently* _I_ can be queen? I'm willing to share my crown, y'knoooooow ... with one lucky lucky maaaan ...  
  
Irvine: (Whoo-hoo! I'm gettin' done twice tonight!) *goofy grin* We'll see what we can do.  
  
Rinoa: *pleasant smile* Thank you! *skips towards the door* ( ... Loser.)  
  
Quistis: *runs into Rinoa* Hmph! Watch where you're going, you prissy little w-- *glances at Selphie and Irvine* ... Little ... girl.  
  
Rinoa: You're mean. MEANIE!!! *runs away*  
  
Quistis: *calls after Rinoa* I hope Carbuncle gets you!   
  
[Hole. Scream. Thump. End.]  
  
Quistis: Heh heh heh ... that was invigorating. *walks into the classroom* Irvine, Selphie. What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Instructor Cactuar's class?  
  
Selphie: We're hard at work, Quisty!   
  
Quistis: ... How are you hard at work? I see you creating an artificial personality for the new computers by banging on it's keyboard, and that's about it.  
  
Irvine: We're jez tryin' to figure out how we're gonna get the title of Winter King and Queen goin' ...  
  
Quistis: *eyes Irvine* King and ... queen ... ? And who IS the ... king and queen?  
  
Irvine: Well, accordin' to the ballots, the king would be Squall Leonhart. But accordin' to me, the king should be ... ME! .. Whooops ...  
  
Selphie: Shame, shame, Irvy!  
  
Quistis: And the queen ... ?  
  
Irvine: That's undetermined. There's a whole buncha ties with a buncha pretty ladies. There's a lotta pretty ladies out there, y'know.   
  
Quistis: Mm hmm ... *sticks chest out* Am I one of them? I can make things worthwhile if I were it ...   
  
Irvine: (THRICE!) *same goofy grin* We'll see what we can do.   
  
Quistis: *nods humbly, walks out of the classroom*  
  
Selphie: *stops banging on the keyboard* IRVY ... what was that?  
  
Irvine: N-nothing.  
  
Selphie (airily): Why, what would _I_ have to do to be queen?   
  
Irvine: Sorry, Sefie. Three times in one night's enough. Dagnabbit, I'd be too tired afterwards. 'sides, now I gotta figure out who's gonna get the title for queen, there's two main competitors now.  
  
Selphie: *STARE* Ewwwww! You're a filthy naughty boy! *frantically runs out of the classroom*  
  
Odin: Heh heh heh ...  
  
Irvine: ... *casts a dark glance at Odin* SHUT UP.   
  
[Setting: Evening. After being banged into shape twice, Irvine has to make several essential decisions. These decisions frequently conflict with each other.]  
  
Irvine: Hat ... or no hat ... hmmm ... the hat'll make me look like ... Kid Rock a cooowboooy, baaay-bee ... /Kid Rock , but it might make me look tacky. ... Gee, I wonder what else I was supposed to think about. I forget ... *hears a knock on the door* Ooh, my last treat's here .. *opens door*  
  
Dollet Woman: Hellooo ... IRVINE ... you remember our deal?  
  
Irvine: *big goofy grin*  
  
[Twenty seconds later, screams are heard. A half-naked Irvine runs out of the hallway.]  
  
Irvine: Y-you ... you ... *stares in horror* YOU'RE A MAN!  
  
Dollet Cross-Dresser: And YOU! You're not rich at all! And you're too young! I only do rich, semi-young married men!   
  
Irvine: I only do FEMALES!  
  
Dollet Cross-Dresser: Well ... I NEVER! *stomps out the door*  
  
Irvine: ... had sex? Thought so! Now adjust your ugly wig so it doesn't look like a dead moomba and get on outta here, y'hear?! *slams door* *shudders uncontrollably* Ewwww .... grooo-oo-ooooss ... *manages to control self, throws himself on the bed* A-at least Quisty and Rinoa were good ... *suspiciously* Almost .. TOO good ... what could it meaaaan ...   
  
[Pause.]  
  
Irvine: .. It means ... that ... they're good. ... Wooooow. Ummm ... okay. So, um, who do I choose for the queen?  
  
[Another pause.]  
  
Irvine: .. Why am I talking to myself? Oh right, 'cuz I don't wanna be Squall and THINK to myself. Oooh ... they're both good ... and they're both queen material in my book. Hmm ... c'mon now, logical thinking ... *a thought bubble appears above his head*  
  
Thought bubble   
  
Irvine: *walks up to the podium *is shirtless, has a big, furry overcoat resting atop his shoulders* Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen! First off, I'd like to thank that old man over there for the nice new coat of paint for the stage area.  
  
Ramuh: GO TO HELL!  
  
Irvine: Uh-huh, see? Next I would like to thank the anonymous .... WOMAN ... from Dollet who donated the food to us. ... I'd like to, but I won't.  
  
Trepie #1: Get to the King and Queen! Me and Quistis can't wait any longer, y'know! *stops* Oh wait, what am I saying?! I can't pair up with a GODDESS! That's just ... oooooh ... *writhes*  
  
Irvine (voice-over): Wait wait ... there's something MISSING ...   
  
[Selphie, in a yellow dress with a revealing slit in it, suddenly appears out of nowhere, hanging on Irvine's left arm.]  
  
Irvine: And now, without further adieu, we shall announce the king and queen of this year's winter dance! And the winners aaaare ... *produces an envelope, opens it and glances at the paper* Aaah! *looks up at the crowd* Squall Leonhart aaaand ...  
  
Irvine (voice-over): Now this is where I got bamboozled ... well now, let's just think it out a bit ...  
  
Irvine: Rinoa Heartilly!  
  
[Rinoa bounces up in the air and scrambles to her feet. She snatches a plastic tiara away from Irvine, and produces a collar reading "My Man: Do Not Steal". She places it on an indifferent Squall's neck.]  
  
Rinoa: *clears throat* I like to thank ALL of you! Even you cheap people who can't afford this stupid Pic N' Save tiara, gawd! Oooh, and I want to thank mommy, not daddy ... and I wanna thank Angelo, and ... and ... oh gosh! *giggles*  
  
Squall: ... whatever.  
  
Quistis: *stomps up the stage and wraps whip around Irvine's throat, chokes him with it* What the hell was THAT, Mr. Kinneas?! *pulls onto whip*  
  
Irvine: Oof! *drops to the ground, turning blue*  
  
Quistis: *stomps on him*  
  
[The picture stops.]  
  
Irvine (voice-over): Ooooh ... that's not good. S-so I guess I should choose Quistis? Errh ...   
  
[All of a sudden, the thought bubble begins to rewind back to the part where Irvine announces the Queen. ]  
  
Irvine (voice-over): Hokay now ... lesse here...   
  
Irvine: ... Our very own QUISTIS TREPE!  
  
[Quistis gives a humble bow and walks up to the stage with some Trepies clinging onto her feet, cheering wildly. She tears the plastic tiara out of Irvine's hand and produces a sash reading, "Do Not Steal What I Rightfully Stole" and places it on an indifferent Squall's upper-body.   
  
[Trepie #1 runs up to Squall and tries to take the sash from him, kicking him in the balls repeatedly, but to no avail. So he clutches onto Quistis' ankle and joins the other two Trepies, hoping he can look up her dress.]  
  
Quistis: I'd like to thank the entire Garden. Even the notorious faculty members. I'd like to thank my non-existent mother and fathers -- biological ones, not the horrid adoptive ones -- and ... who else ... oh right, and Shiva, and ...   
  
Irvine (voice-over): Wait just a second ... Shiva's a bitch, not a dog. ... Unless Angelo's a bitch! Well, he DID unexpectedly have kittens that one day. ... Or was I bamboozled THEN too?  
  
Squall: ... what ...  
  
Quistis: ... ever. *giggles*  
  
[A renegade pinwheel ... thingie ... spirals in and cuts off Irvine's head.]  
  
Irvine: *runs around like a headless chocobo, clucking and screaming*  
  
Rinoa: *pinwheel goes back to her* What the hell was THAT, Irvy-Irv?! *daintily skips towards Irvine and kicks at him using ballet moves*  
  
Irvine (voice-over): ... M-maybe I should just not go. ... Heeey, wait a minute ... I know what's wrong with this picture!  
  
[The thought bubble rewinds again, up to the part where Selphie makes her appearance.]  
  
Irvine (voice-over): She's not supposed to be wearing anything!  
  
[Setting: The night of the ball. Squall is outside Rinoa's dorm room, waiting patiently for her to complete her on-going dressing ceremony. What is Rinoa DOING in there? And why do all females take FOREVER to dress up, even when they've planned what they're wearing three days earlier? And why do they end up late every time and blame it on YOU? And then they use it as evidence that you take them for granted, then join feminism? Huh? HUH?!]  
  
Rinoa: Oooh ... what if they give me ROSES? Squally's ALREADY gotten me multiple corsage, more than one bouquet's too much! ... *eyes narrow* He better have ...  
  
Joker: He didn't.  
  
Rinoa: *turns around in horror* Ewww! PER-VUH-ERT! How did you GET in here?!  
  
Joker: I followed your crappy train model. Garden's very identical to the Galbadian anarchist's private train. Ehehehee.   
  
Rinoa: What do you want?  
  
Joker: I came here to warn you. Some strange happenings are going to be committed at tonight's dance by conspiracies and enemies. Magical beings that you'll be shocked to discover of. I've decided to give you a fair warning, as I often enjoy betraying my allies.  
  
Rinoa: Quistis is trying to steal Squally again?  
  
Joker: .... My work here is done. Whoosh! *jumps out the window*  
  
Rinoa: Fuh-reak. *opens door, pretends to look surprised* Squally! You look RAVISHING! What did you do, huh?  
  
Squall: ... I got a dent on my shoe.  
  
Rinoa: Ohhh! No WONDER! *rests head on Squall's shoulder* Come along now, we're off to the dance. We've got a title to win, after all. And I've got bragging rights along with that title!   
  
Squall: Oh yay.  
  
Rinoa: That's right! You can talk to the wall and taunt him and talk ALL about how you got your pretty new diamond collar with my phone number on it!  
  
Squall: ... what?  
  
Rinoa: EVER! HA! Stupid Quistis thinks she's so cool when she does that. I'll show HER ... heh heh heh ... *blink* Oh wait, why am I laughing? Neee ... *tightens grip on Squall's arm*  
  
[Setting: Quad. People wearing formal gowns and Garden clothing are filtering in the area. Selphie is sobbing in Irvine's hat, while Irvine himself is sobbing because Selphie is sobbing in his hat.]  
  
Irvine: *whimpers* S-selph ... c'mon! H-have a h-heart! T-t-that's my favorite hat!   
  
Selphie: *points at the mural* BOO-HOO! There's a BONE on that painting! *looks up from the hat towards the painter* What type of painting at a ball has a BONE on it?! Huh?!  
  
Old Dollet Painter: *glances at the mural* Whazzit!?! *faces his grandson and his dog* ARGH! Not AGAIN! You ruined ANOTHER one of my paintings! Auuugh, you're going to feel this tickle for YEARS ...  
  
Grandson: Aaah! Noooo! I'll scream rape! Raa--aaa hahaa haa hahahahaaa! *falls over from the tickling*   
  
Old Dollet Painter: How do you like THAT, huh?! Who's yer DADDY?!  
  
Grandson: Your son!  
  
Old Dollet Painter: That's RIGHT, damnations! *continues tickling*  
  
Irvine, Selphie: *glares* Err ...   
  
Boy Running Laps: *runs by Irvine and Selphie* What ... *laps them* ... type .. *laps them* ... of *laps them* ... dance *laps them* has a *laps them* ... bone ... *laps them* .. on their paintiiiiiiiing ... ?!  
  
Irvine: *calls after Boy Running Laps* The best damn NON-JUNIOR GARDEN STUDENTS ball in town!  
  
Selphie: Right on!  
  
Boy Running Laps: Waah ... *lap* ... aaaah ... *heads toward the door*  
  
Selphie: Now ... w-what are we gonna do, Irvy? This first fluke is the sign of something HORRIBLE happening today! What if everything goes wrong? And we're kicked out of Balamb?   
  
Irvine: C'mon now, Sefie. Of course somethin's gonna go wrong, this is a FANFIC. And why're you carin' all of a sudden? Where's your carefree disposition?  
  
Selphie: *blink blink* Red Chocobo Ewwwwww! I'm starting to CARE! Groooooss! /Red Chocobo   
  
Irvine: *peers around* Oh look, there's the band!  
  
[Zone, Watts and a moomba walk in, carrying an assorted amount of instruments and synthesizers. They seem to be very troubled.]  
  
Selphie: Hewwoooo! *throws arms in air*   
  
Watts: Umm, I'm afraid we can't play.  
  
Irvine: *blink* What?  
  
Zone: We just remembered that the princess left our group, so we don't have anyone to perform vocals. Well, nobody GOOD, anyway.  
  
Moomba: *squeaks in offense*  
  
Selphie: Is that all? I'm sure that's no problemo! It'll be SWELL if I can lend out a hand! Just for one night, anyway. *grabs a mike and screeches out some off-key notes*   
  
Zone: OoooOoooOoouuuch ... *grabs his stomach, keels over*  
  
Selphie: *frown* I'm not THAT bad ... ;__;  
  
Watts: Oh yeah, and Zone has this stomach ache problem. So I'm afraid that it just won't be possible.   
  
Irvine: *glare* Then why're you here?  
  
Rinoa: *steps into view* Yeah, Timber Owls. Why're you here, exactly? Hmmm? *eyes Zone and Watts* How many times have I told you NOT to stalk me?! I'm doing fine with Squall! *tugs Squall's sleeve*  
  
Squall: ...  
  
Zone: P-princess! We're not stalking you! We're .... uhhh ... oooOoooooOoouch! *kneels grabs, stomach*  
  
Irvine: *blinks* Hey now! I remember what I forgot! My big furry boa! My overcoat isn't furry! Goshdangit, this night keeps gettin' worse and worse!  
  
Watts: We're ... we're ... yeah, see! We're here to supply this gentlemen with his custom furry thingy! *searches around for something fuzzy, grabs the moomba, and rests it on Irvine's shoulders*  
  
Moomba: *squeaks angrily* *bites Watt's hand*  
  
Watts: Ooow! *squeezes his knees and whimpers*  
  
Zone (nervously): O-oh look, it's not a good one! *grabs the moomba* B-bad moomba! I g-guess we'll be going back to Timber to supply this man with a good moomba! Y-yeah! *grabs Watts*  
  
Watts: W-why did we bring our band stuff if we're leaving so soon??  
  
Zone: A good cover! Now let's hurry up before the princess catches up to us! *scurries out the exit*  
  
Selphie: Major-mega-super-duper BUMMER! ;__;  
  
Irvine (sadly): *disappointed look* Yeah ... that moomba looked good on me.  
  
Rinoa: Hey, y'know ... if we can find someone who knows how to play these instruments, we can still make this party good. And there's still time to hire a DJ.  
  
Squall: ... No there isn't. *gestures at the bustling amount of jeering people*  
  
Rinoa: We can replay a CD of my mom's smash hit over and over again until we find a new act to perform. It should work. *haughtily* After all, everybody loves US. *places CD in a boombox that just magically appeared out of thin air because the authoress deemed it so, so nyah*  
  
Boombox: *starts playing "Eyes On Me"*  
  
Crowd: *sways along with the song*  
  
Selphie: Hey, I have musical talent too, y'know! *screeches* It's an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dotted bikini! La la la la la!  
  
Rinoa: *smacks Selphie* Shhh! I think I'm having my big eccentric romantic moment coming up ...  
  
Selphie: ;_; Meanie.   
  
Irvine: Yeah, meanie. ... *blink* Wait, what am I _SAYING_? C'mon Sefie, I think I've lost my mind ... need a drink ...   
  
Selphie: The Picnic Pikachu Mmm! Kool-Aid! /The Picnic Pikachu   
  
Irvine: You're real good with impressions, hun. *ushers her to the refreshments table*  
  
Rinoa: *faces Squall, closes up* Squall, I just wanna say ... *music filters in*  
  
Squall: ...   
  
Rinoa: *places index finger on Squall's lips* Shhh ... *leans in to kiss him*  
  
Quistis: *pops up in the middle of the two* Hello, Squall. How are you doing toda .. *stops, feels a peck on the cheek, turns around and STARES*  
  
Rinoa, Quistis (in unison): *GLARES at each other* Ewwwwwww!!  
  
Zell: *walks into the scene carrying a beverage and a hot dog* Whoooooo! Hot lesbo action! YEAAAAAH! Ya dykes! *inhales the drink in one shot*  
  
Quistis: *glare* Aren't you supposed to be tending to that library girl's needs?  
  
Zell: Yeah, well ... *shifts nervously*  
  
Rinoa: *taunts* Chicken-wuss!  
  
Zell: *eyes narrow* Yo Squall, better take care of your woman, foo'. Sounds like she's spending too much time with that Seifer dude, y'dig? Hey, you hold him, I'll punch! Heh heh!  
  
Quistis: ... *steps away*  
  
Carbuncle: *pops up from where Quistis was standing, hands Zell and Squall a detention slip*  
  
Zell: #$%@^@%$^!   
  
Carbuncle: *hands Zell another one*  
  
Zell: What is it THIS time?!  
  
Rajin (from inside the hole): First time, you were threatening to take CARE of another student and that's prohibited, ya know?  
  
Zell: *STARE* We're at a MILITARY ACADEMY ... where we're TRAINED to kick ass ... and I get a DETENTION SLIP for acing it?!  
  
Xu (from inside the hole): *grouchily* That's not how it GOES, Mr. Dinct! It's people like you that make this Garden a plague to the world! ... *pauses, eyes widen* Oh NO! I'm starting to sound like the Headmaster!!  
  
Zell: Well, what about the second one?!  
  
[Silence.]  
  
Rajin: Oh, right ... this is where Fuujin's supposed to grunt "SWEARING", ya know? Wonder where she is right now, haven't seen her at all in this fanfic, ya know?  
  
Fuujin (from inside the hole): EMBARRASSING.  
  
Rajin: Heheheh, ya know! 'Ey Fuj, what's with the bunny showgirl costume?! You look like Janice, ya know?  
  
Fuujin: RAGE. *kicks Rajin in the shins*  
  
Rajin: Ooooooow, ya know?!  
  
Carbuncle: *squeaks adorably, pops back into his hole as it starts to close*  
  
Joker: *jumps in after Carbuncle does so, but gets stuck as the hole closes, causing everything below his torso to stick out from the hole* ... Err. A little help here?  
  
Quistis: *attempts to pull the Joker out, then tries to push him in* .. Sorry, I think you're stuck that way.  
  
Joker: ... They think I'm a live pinata. *crashing noises can be heard from inside the hole*  
  
Quistis: *glances around* Apparently, they think so up here too. *walks away*  
  
Trepie #1: Stupid odd thingy! Conversing with Instructor Trepe! _I'd_ be her stupid odd thingy any day! It would be an HONOR to be her footstool ... *sighs dreamily* *kicks at Joker* My goal's going to be hard and tough and an almost impossible title to gain, but ... I'm not letting you ruin it! *kick kick*  
  
Joker: ... This hole is chafing my ass.  
  
Trepie #1: It's being chafed, and it's also gonna be kicked!  
  
[Swish pan!]  
  
Zell: *grumbles, stalks off to detention* Geez, this sucks ...  
  
Squall: ... whatever. *trails after him*  
  
Rinoa: HEY! *runs after Squall* Oh no you DON'T, mister! You're going to be my meaningless vessel whether you like it or NOT!   
  
Quistis: Not if I get to him first!  
  
Rinoa: *faces Quistis* EXCUSE ME?! Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Thang, but it would seem that he belongs to ME, so ... *sings off-key* He loves meee, he loves you not!  
  
Quistis: Then I suppose I'll have to rid of you.  
  
Rinoa: ... Oh pfft! You really shouldn't say that, Carbuncle'll tear you down that hole like he ALMOST did with me!  
  
Quistis: He doesn't like ugly girls. But he likes catfights, so he won't bother.  
  
Rinoa: Catfights? This is clearly an EASY win.  
  
[As Quistis and Rinoa bitch at each other incessantly, a large crowd is forming around them (and Joker too). Everytime the two say something, they all ooh and aww in amazement, as if they were the inventors of canned laughter.]  
  
Quistis: You really think you can own him? Honey, I got a WHIP ... all you have is a major break-out.  
  
Crowd: Oooooh! Damage: 120!  
  
Rinoa: *little white numbers appear above her head* Hmph, at least I have SOMETHING. You're just ... FLAT. Personality-wise and, well, you know.  
  
Crowd: Aaaaah! CRITICAL HIT! Damage: 283!  
  
Quistis: *same little white numbers appear* I have a so-called flat personality because I'm mature, responsible, and trustworthy, unlike some people.  
  
Crowd: Ooooh ... Healed: 173!  
  
Quistis: *sprinkly dust surrounds her, little greenish numbers appear above her head*  
  
Rinoa: Pfft! WhatEVER! You're just looking for an excuse!  
  
Crowd: Aaah! Status ailment: Poison!  
  
Quistis: *a skull and cross mark appears above her head with a meter marked "Self-Esteem Points"* Am not! *the numbers on the meter decreases*   
  
[The camera pans out, revealing the reader holding a controller in his hand, yawning.]  
  
Reader: This game SUCKS. This is the WORST in the series! No wait, the good times ended in the previous installment. *glances at the package* Oh Trianglehard! Where have you gone astray?!  
  
[... That sucked.]  
  
[Meanwhile, in Carbuncle's hole ... ]  
  
Joker (from the non-existant ceiling): ... hello?  
  
Pig-Tailed Girl: *walks by in a french maid costume, daintily holding a plate with champagne on it* Yes, Mr. Talking Fan?  
  
Joker: Can I get down from here?  
  
Pig-Tailed Girl: Oooh, you'll have to ask Carbuncle for permission. But the chances are pretty slim, he only allows pretty girls to enter. Rajin is the only exception. ... Okay well, he IS girly, and pretty in some circumstances ...   
  
Joker: ... Hm. Oh. ... Then can you get me out of here? I'm stuck.  
  
Pig-Tailed Girl: Mr. Talking Fan, aren't you SUPPOSED to be stuck? You're a fan, after all. *sigh* Well, state WHY you want to get out.  
  
Joker: ... To look for this Dollet man. He's an expert in cross-dressing. Fooled Kinneas last night.   
  
Pig-Tailed Girl: ....  
  
[On the surface ... ]  
  
Joker: To whomever is kicking me, stop it.  
  
Trepie #1: Oh, had enough?! That'll teach you to not mess with the ULTIMATE Quistis groupie!  
  
Joker: ... Oh. Can you pull me out of here?  
  
Trepie #1: *glare* WHY?  
  
Joker: ... ... You can kick my ass more intimidly if you do so. You can see the pain on my face. ... You can see it every day, actually.  
  
Trepie #1: HEY! Cool! I shall AVENGE you, dear Instructor Trepe! Even though you're not dead! You'll NEVER be dead in MY heart! *grabs Joker's feet and pulls*  
  
Joker: Are you trying to pull me out or steal my shoes?  
  
Trepie #1: A little bit of both. *does his war cry, which consists of shouting out Quistis' name in different tones of voice*   
  
[Setting: Quad stage. Rinoa and Quistis are duking it out, all in various ways. Right now, they're having a monkey knife fight.]  
  
Crowd: *jeers*  
  
Quistis: Go Jim-Bob! Slash 'im! Parry! Thataboy!  
  
Rinoa: Billy-Bob! Evade! Evade! You won't get your banana if you're cut into neat pieces!  
  
Monkeys: *aren't doing anything*  
  
Monkey #1: *picks the other monkey's lice, devours it, then keels over*  
  
Rinoa: YES! YES! I won!  
  
Quistis: Hey, that's MY monkey! _I_ won!  
  
[Cut to a scene where Sten (from Breath of Fire II) is sitting in a desk, wearing an Armani suit, and looking rather perturbed.]  
  
Sten: The scene previously mentioned is a disrespectful act of monkey-offending. It is an utter offense to witness these monkeys degrading themselves all because of the request of two bimbotic humans. Therefore, we, the monkeys, request that no more scenes of monkey-degrading shall be shown to the public. If this is violated, we, the monkeys, will stick 'em where the sun don't shine. And then we'll STEAL your BANANA. *sticks index finger out* You dig?   
  
Disembodied Voice: Great! Now pat your head and rub your tummy at once!  
  
Sten: *glare* I already told you, I'm not with the circus anymore!   
  
[Swish back to Rinoa and Quistis, whom are now duking it out with mud-wrestling ... ]  
  
Crowd: Whoooo!  
  
Quistis: Take this! *throws a wad of muck in Rinoa's eye*  
  
Rinoa: *falls back on her arse* Did that one personally come out of your arse? Or is it a part of your FACE?  
  
[Cut to another method of competing. Rinoa and Quistis are spitting at two seperate pots. Both pots are adequately filled up.]  
  
Rinoa: *hawks, spits into the pot with perfect aim; it makes a "PING!" sound* HA!  
  
Quistis: Gee, Hydralisk. Do you practice on your dog? Maybe that's why it's so diseased.  
  
[Cut to the next method. Rinoa and Quistis are stationed on a large, blue mat, sumo-wrestling (except there aren't much results, as the two are both as light as a feather).]  
  
Quistis: Mwaaaah! *bounces up, pushes Rinoa aback with her belly*  
  
Rinoa: Geez, that thing gets bigger by the second! Are you pregnant, or are you REALLY that fat?  
  
[Cut to next method. Rinoa and Quistis are jumping rope.]   
  
Crowd: Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish, how many pieces do you wish! A-one, a-two, a-three, a-four, a-five ...  
  
Quistis: *stumbles*  
  
Rinoa: Oooh, clumsy you!  
  
Quistis: I'm sorry, but I don't practice acting like SELPHIE.  
  
Rinoa: *GAAAAASP!* *GAAAASP!* *GAAAAAASP!*  
  
Quistis: Yes, that's how you breathe. After seventeen struggling years, you finally learned how.  
  
Rinoa: *suddenly stops fuming, blinks* ... H-hey, where'd Squally-poo go?!  
  
Quistis: You probably scared him aw-- *blink* ... Heeey, where DID he go?!  
  
Rinoa, Quistis: *looks around* SQUALLY!  
  
Rinoa: *gapes at the crowd* Don't just STAND there ... find Squally!  
  
Quistis: ... Or I'll fail all of you!  
  
Crowd: A-ah ... We'll go see if he's over at the refreshments stand! *hurries off fearfully*  
  
Rinoa: *faces Quistis* This is all your fault! It just CLEARLY is ... if you didn't try to tear him away from me, he wouldn't be STRANDED. It's like, TOTALLY your fault that he's lost!  
  
Quistis: *glare* It's YOUR fault. You treat him like ... like ... a DOG ... a SLAVE ... Oh wait, what was that phrase that can be greatly applied to you? "Every dog needs his bitch."  
  
Crowd: *quietly oohs and aahs*  
  
Trepie #1: Hey! Every dog also needs their goddesses! Care to be MINE?  
  
Rinoa: If Daddy just bought me a BUTLER, Squall would be embracing me right NOW!  
  
Quistis: If General Caraway bought you a butler, the poor man would be hanging on the leash you hang Squall on.  
  
Rinoa: ... Your point?  
  
Quistis: Shh ... wait ... last time we saw him, he was following Zell to detentio-- *realizes that Rinoa is already running off to Squall* *spits* You're WELCOME! You don't even know where detention IS!  
  
Rinoa: Minor glitch! Just like YOU!   
  
Quistis: *grumbles, trots after Rinoa*  
  
[When Rinoa and Quistis are out of hearing reach, Zone, Watts, and their moomba pop out from a corner, keeping a close eye on Rinoa.]  
  
Zone: Hey, this might be a good thing. No more Squall to follow the princess around.   
  
Watts: But she's going to find him, eventually. The Garden's not THAT big, y'know.  
  
Zone: Well, it might as well be. The princess has a horrible sense of direction. She always makes US find out where we are and how to get to the place we want to go, after all. All we have to do is make sure that she NEVER finds Squall around.  
  
Watts: You're an idiot, Zone.  
  
Zone: It's not THAT hard! We're resistance fighters! If we can cower fearfully from a zombie that snarls, "HoW dAarE yoU iNsUlt ThE pReSiDeNt", we can keep Squall away from the princess! Maybe after a while, she'll learn that he really isn't good company to keep around.  
  
Moomba: *tugs at Watt's sleeve, squeaks* *points at Squall, who is lolling at the refreshments table*  
  
Watts: ... What's he doing here? We saw him LEAVE, didn't we? ... Geez, those SeeDs must be pretty damn spiffy.   
  
Zone: Yeah ... we're just a bunch of ... SaaDs ...   
  
Watts: SaaaaaaaaaaDs ...   
  
Two Losers: *walks up to Zone and Watts* You're SaaDs too? You too? Cool! Wanna join our club?   
  
Loser #1: All we do is mope around dejectedly and steal hot dogs from spiky-haired SeeDs. And then we sit at the cafeteria for hours and hours and then after the first disk, we mysteriously disappear.   
  
Moomba: *reveals a small toy pistol with a cardboard blade on it* *squeaks*  
  
Loser #2: Dude! It's the PREZ!  
  
Zone: *irritated look* Look, we're kinda busy now. We're stalking someo-- ooOoOOooouch! *holds stomach, kneels*  
  
Loser #1: Hey, that's the secret SaaD admission move. You're IN! *slaps Zone on the back* Now let's go lean on some objects! *grabs Zone and the moomba*  
  
Zone: *to Watts* K-keep an eye on Squall!  
  
Moomba: *black eyes widen* *smacks Zone in the head as he's being carried off by the two SaaDs*  
  
Zone: ... Oops.  
  
[Oops indeed. Because the moment Zone said "Keep an eye on Squall", the phrase reverberated through the halls and into the ears of Rinoa.]  
  
Rinoa: *eyes narrow, bares teeth, and sniffs the air ala Wolverine*  
  
Quistis: *glances at Rinoa* Err ... You're taking that bitch role too seriously, Ms. Heartilly. And I'm gravely seriously about that.  
  
Rinoa: You're gravely serious about everything. *rushes back to the quad*  
  
Quistis: *rushes after Rinoa* Get back here! I'm still not done making fun of you and causing emotional and physical harm to you! Is running away ALWAYS your answer to things?! Mmm ... *takes out one of the three cards Joker gave her* "The Song" ... like Siren! That should work ...   
  
Rinoa: *looks back* You're TALKING to yourself ... pfft, now you're trying to ACT like Squall! You really ARE pathetic, Trepe!  
  
Quistis: *throws the card at Rinoa; it simply flies onto the ground* *halts* What the he ... *glare* I got GIPPED!   
  
Rinoa: With that outfit? Of course you have! *sticks tongue out, continues on her way*  
  
Quistis: *glares at the card, smothers it with her heel* I can't BELIEVE I fell for that misanthrope's plotting ...  
  
[Much to Quistis' surprise, the moment her heel came in contact with the card, purple streams of mist rose above from the card. The gases came in contact with each other and formed a purple woman floating in the air.]  
  
Quistis: *gawk* Err ...   
  
The Song: *flies off towards the quad*  
  
Quistis: Hey! Where're you going?! *follows it*   
  
[Pfft, such a stupid question. ... Anyway, back at the dance, things aren't going too well for Irvine and Selphie. With nothing to attract attention to aside from Joker's body going through the floor, the crowd has decided to gang up on the couple, due to the lack fo music to dance to. Irvine and Selphie are stationed on the stage, while the crowd below them continue to throw vegetables at them.]  
  
Selphie: Hey, we're only playing this song 'cuz it's super-duper NICE! And you have to live with it's nice-ness 'cuz it's ... REALLY NICE!  
  
Zell: Yeah well, so's this cabbage! *throws it at Selphie*  
  
Selphie: *dodges it* No it isn't! It's MEAN!  
  
Irvine: I got a gun, I got a GUN! *looks around for a contraband of some sort, grabs the banana one of the knife-fighting monkeys are holding, aims it at everybody* Get back, or I'll fill you all with potassium!  
  
Crowd: *backs away in fear, gasps*  
  
Squall: *walks up to the stage, grabs the banana, eats it, walks away*  
  
Irvine (nervously): See? See what it DID to that poor man?! THAT could happen to YOU, y'know!   
  
Crowd: *looks at each other, continues to jeer and throw things*  
  
Selphie: Well Irvy, I think we're doomed. I'm so confoosed, where did we go wrong?   
;_;  
  
The Song: *floats onto the stage*  
  
Irvine: Dunno. *grins at The Song* Hello, pretty lady. How're you today?   
  
The Song: *faces Selphie*  
  
Irvine: Oh, a dyke goddess, huh? Well, Sefie's a good choice here, but she's taken. Sorry now. Try West Hollywood.  
  
The Song: *begins to sing, except her voice sounds like Selphie's (which, uh, isn't all that good)*   
  
Irvine: Okay, that's freaky.  
  
Selphie: Ooooh! Right on! *turns to the crowd* Well now, there's your entertainment: a mysterious purple woman singing with MY voice.   
  
Trepie #2: That's not entertainment! Why would anybody want to hear YOU sing? Hearing a moomba giving birth on a manifold is more engrossing than listening to you song!  
  
Trepie #1: Yeah! We want Instructor Trepe to give me lap dances! THAT would be superb entertainment!  
  
The Song: *begins to sing various songs*  
  
Selphie: YEAH! Duets! *screeches along with The Song*  
  
Irvine: Bad move, Sefie. That movie sucked.  
  
[Author's Note: For those of you who don't know, The Song card imitates the voice that sounds the most beautiful and attempts to perfect it. That would mean that Selphie's voice is the best of all these people. Isn't that just SAD?]  
  
Rinoa: *clenches fist* WATTS!  
  
Watts: *looks back* Uh-oh ...  
  
Rinoa: Where's Zone and his little furry little moomba?  
  
Watts: They're leaning on various things. Y'know, mostly walls. And occassionally poles. That's what SaaDs do, princess. If you lean on things enough, you can most likely get promoted to the top of the hierarchy: "The Ultimate Leaner". But you have to perfect your leaning form. The moomba told me that it's very compli--  
  
Rinoa: He MUST be sad if he's trying to STALK me! And why're you babbling on and on about LEANING? *rolls eyes* Nevermind. Where's Squall?  
  
Watts: ... Leaning on things and thinking to himself. He'd be a good SaaD. Don't know WHY he's a SeeD.  
  
Rinoa: Ugh ... NEVERMIND! I want to at least dance with him ONCE tonight. *searches around*  
  
Watts: *stare* Err ... *looks towards Zone and the moomba, whom are leaning on whatever they can find*  
  
Zone: *motions Watts to follow her, falls over in the process*  
  
Quistis: *trails after her* Oh no you don't! *throws another card on the floor and smudges it with her heel* *wings begin to form on her heel* W-wha?  
  
Joker (from inside the hole): That would be The Jump card.   
  
Quistis: *frowns* These cards you give me are USELESS! *shakes foot, begins to jump uncontrollably*  
  
Joker: Try the last one.  
  
Quistis: *throws the last card on the ground, manages to touch it with her toe*   
  
[Airy gases come out of the card, and shapes into a pink, fuzzy, fairy thing in an equally fuzzy yellow dress.]  
  
Quistis: What does this one do? Does it make birds FLY? Ooooh, wow. Hmph.  
  
The Sweet: *bonks Rinoa on the head with her wand, causing her to turn into a gingerbread cookie -- one with her face still on it*   
  
Rinoa: Aaaaah! Gaaaaauhh! What the HELL?! *stumbles onto the floor, breaks apart* QUISTIS!  
  
Joker: This thing goes after anything that's sweet and turns it into cavity-inducing foodstuffs.  
  
Quistis: *blink* Then ... *bouncity bounce bounce* ... why did it go after Rinoa? *bounces in front of Rinoa to get a better view*  
  
Knife-Fighting Monkeys: *jumps on Rinoa, begins to devour her leg* *screeches* (Call Sten and the legion of monkeys! We have LUNCH!)  
  
Joker: Dunno. She's sweet in some people's eyes. Blind people, maybe.  
  
The Sweet: *flutters towards Joker, bonks him in the head with her wand, turns him into a sordid-looking, half-eaten cake*  
  
Joker (flatly): Is the cake half-eaten, or half-done?   
  
Carbuncle: Fully-eaten! *grabs Joker and picks at his icing with it's horn*  
  
Quistis: A-aaah! *wings disappear, falls flat on her arse* H-hey ... I was kinda enjoying my transaction from teacher to Tigger ...   
  
The Jump: *appears in it's visible form, missiles towards Carbuncle, rams right into him*  
  
Joker: *falls into the hole* Wheeeee-neeeess ...  
  
Carbuncle: *gets rammed into the building, but promptly recovers* Oooh, you wanna FIGHT, eh?! C'mooon, I can take you, you big-footed SHOUJO-CHARACTER! *goes into fighting stance, hops up and down*  
  
The Jump: *does the same* Woooord, brah! Whoever wins gets the fairy!  
  
Carbuncle: Agreeeed!  
  
The Sweet: I'm not a FAIRY! I'm a FAERIE! *goes around and turns Carbuncle and The Jump into a melting ice cream cone and a marshmellow* And I don't like people who bring me out of my card! *bonks Quistis and turns her into a lollipop with her face on it, then goes back to it's card*  
  
Crowd: *their attempts at not listening to The Song screech out notes are now directed at the fight*   
  
Carbuncle: I can still take you on, my ass is as sharp as the horn I had!  
  
The Jump: *jumps up and down hyperactively* Bring it on!  
  
Crowd: *JEERS*  
  
Quistis: Wh-wh ... waaah ...   
  
Angry Legion of Monkeys: *screeches wildly, gangs up on Quistis*  
  
Trepie #1: HEY! Noooo! Nobody sucks on Quistis except ME! *shields the lollipop Quistis from the bustling crowd of monkeys*  
  
Rinoa: QUISTIS! This is all YOUR FAULT! *hops on her remaining leg and strangles at Quistis*  
  
Quistis: It was YOUR fault when you decided to take a sharp gasp of breath and take part in the WORLD! *pokes at Rinoa with the end of her stick*  
  
Angry Legion of Monkeys: *screeches* (We eat the loser! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!)  
  
Zone: *lean lean* Hey SaaDs, are you seein' this? A gingerbread cookie is fighting with a lollipop, an ice cream cone is prodding at a marshmellow, a cake just fell in a gravity-defying hole, monkeys are all over the place, and a purple woman is howling like a cat. Do you see this?  
  
SaaD Member: Yes, but we're not supposed to care. *glance* You're not leaning properly!  
  
Squall: *looks around at the mayhem* ... I think that Prozac's kicking in ...   
  
Selphie: Booyaka! ^___^ Hey, Irvy ...   
  
Irvy: Yeah, Sefie?  
  
Selphie: This dance isn't so bad after all ...  
  
Irvy: Of course, Sefie.  
  
---  
  
Epilogue  
  
[As the evening came to an end, so did the mayhem. The anticipated crowd is stationed around the stage, where Irvine and Selphie are at.]  
  
[Among this crowd are the following: Rinoa and Quistis -- now back in their human form and missing several limbs, Sten and his legion of monkeys, an indifferent Squall Leonhart, Zone, Watts, the two SaaD members, and their moomba, all leaning on Squall, a squeamish Zell Dinct (he has to go piss, heheh, but he doesn't have the SKILL I have ... ), and The Song.]  
  
Irvine: Well, ladies and gentlemen. What a night we've had. Singing, brawls, food ... just like what a ball should be! And now, we shall conclude this night with the final touch. The title for the King and Queen.  
  
Rinoa, Quistis: *eyes light up*  
  
Irvine: And now, without further adieu, we shall announce the king and queen of this year's winter ball! And the winners aaaare ... *produces an envelope, opens it and glances at the paper* Aaah! *looks up at the crowd* Squall Leonhart aaaand ...  
  
[Drumroll ... pfft, this is so obvious, it's the oldest trick in the book next to that tie thing ... ]  
  
Irvine: *blink blink* .... Sefie?  
  
Crowd: ... SEPHIROTH?  
  
Selphie: Booyaka! ^_______^ *places plastic tiara on her head and dances around like a fairy* Tee-hee-heeee! See-see Irvy ... when I was playing with Mr. Computer, it kinda, well, like, blew up in smithereens. So when I told that to Janitor Oh-din-din, he decided to pull a few strings. *air-headed look*  
  
Squall: *hums Hokey-Pokey*   
  
Everybody: *STARE*  
  
Selphie: C'mon, Squally! Let's go have some super-duper fun! *hops off, clinging on Squall*  
  
Irvine, Rinoa, Quistis: *turns into various shades of the colors of the rainbow*  
  
---  
[Setting: Carbuncle's hole. Carbuncle, The Jump's visible form, and his swinging minions are all sitting at an extremely long table, filled with empty plates that used to hold delicacies and foodstuffs of all sorts.]  
  
Carbuncle: This feast is in the name of The Jump! The large-footed rodent who kicked my arse and won our hearts, the life of the party! To The Jump!  
  
Everybody: To The Jump! *clinks their glasses*  
  
Carbuncle: And now, may I present to you all with ... dessert!  
  
Xu: *trots in, holding Joker in cake form in her left hand*   
  
Joker: *sighs* It's everything I dreamed of ...   
  
-Fin  
  
Special Thanks To: Nescafe Instant Coffee, H.O.T., Jazzservo, those darn voices in my head, Squaresoft, those stupid Tifa/Aeris catfights that we were all a part of (c'mon, I know you all wrote SOMETHING like that ... or am I the only asylum-dweller here?), Card Captor Sakura, and YOU people ... my non-existant fans and flamers. 


End file.
